Slice of Life: Saturday Morning #SOL16

I have been contemplating joining Slice of Life for a while. I've been writing in secret, reticent to have others read my words. Mostly, since January, these words have been about my mother. Today I decided. It's time. I'm jumping in.

Saturday Morning

I pick up two cups of coffee as I enter the hospital. My mother loves her coffee. I carry them carefully along the hall eastward towards where the medical wing is, bypassing the door to emergency, past super track, through nuclear medicine and beyond the elevators. Finally I get to the stairs. I push the door open and walk up them, wondering how mom will be today. I perch one coffee precariously on the other to open the door and return to another short hallway.

Then I'm in her room but she's not there. I put the coffee on her table, take off my coat and unplug my earbuds. Where is she? Have they taken her for more tests? Then the nurse brings her out of the washroom.

Mom is washed and her hair is clean, but it only takes a moment to realize that while she knows me, she's not really here today. It isn't that she's confabulating or even delirious. She's just in a kind of stupor and can barely sign the birthday card I brought in for one of her grandkids. She wants the coffee, but has no energy to sit up and drink it. As she signs the card she tilts to the right and back. I'm afraid she's going to fall over. I get her lying back down. She rouses to ask if she wrote, "All my love," in the card. I tell her yes, although I can't read what she has written. 

She dozes and I put my hand in hers. Even though she's almost out of it today, she grips mine with a ferocious strength. Today there will be no conversation about the old days. She won't remember that Daddy died on this day twenty five years ago. She won't tell me how hard it was when she lost her mother and that I’ll carry her with me when she is gone. 

I ask the nurse about her medication. She brings in the chart and I see that they gave her melatonin last night. I sit and worry, wondering what to do next. I note that I will have to do some research on the effects of melatonin and haldol on someone who has had a brain injury. There will be conversations with her doctors. Next week we face tests to determine if the cancer has metastasized into her brain. Decisions must be made about where she will go once she leaves the hospital. 

I don't have the energy to deal with all this right now. In this moment, Mom is gripping my hand like she will never let go. I acknowledge without words, I'm here for her. Today it's enough and all that really matters.

#IMWAYR April 11, 2016

'She hadn't seen the old lady in a week, and in a week, an old lady could fall through the cracks of life." Terry Pratchett (The Shepherd's Crown)

Especially since January, writing has been what keeps me sane. Whether or not is it about books, like in this blog, or whether it is more personal narrative and/or poetry, I'm so thankful that words strung together, either to consume or create, are in my life. 

It's been a rough couple of weeks, but I'm happy to be back at #IMWAYR again. Thanks to Jen at Mentor Text and Kellee and Ricki at Unleashing Readers for hosting this event where readers of kidlit get together to share what we have been reading in the previous week.

Within the span of one week, the prognosis for my mother's remaining time went from three months; then to weeks; and finally, to days. On April 9 at 12:30 in the morning, she died, surrounded by family who loved her. It was a gentle, ever so gently, slipping into that good night: a perfect end to a gloriously messy and exuberant life.

Thankfully, synchronicity played its hand by providing the just right reading material to help get me through it.

In the first week I was unable to read anything except a nonfiction title that I could do in small chunks, articles on what happens in the process of near death awareness, and poetry, glorious poetry. 

I read poetry out loud to my mother because she responded to it. Her favourite poem of all time was William Wordsworth's I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud. Mumsy knew it by heart and used to recite it to us when we were young. As I read it to her, she pulled it out of her memory to recite it along with me. Then we read Robert W. Service: The Cremation of Sam McGee and The Shooting of Dan McGrew.  These are family classics that my mother's family used to share at gatherings. Mom enjoyed Ted Harrison's illustrations of them. I read E.E. Cummings, In Just and [i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]. It was in reading this last poem that I figured out how I would survive without her.

I've had this book, It's Catching: The infectious world of germs and microbes by Jennifer Gardy & Josh Holinaty, at hand, meaning to read it since the beginning of spring break. It is one of our nonfiction book club titles. I started it because I couldn't imagine having to commit to any kind of fictional world. It turned out to be an entertaining, interesting read that fills readers heads full of information about the many different kinds of microbes and germs around us. It is loaded with many different kinds of text features. The illustrations work together with the text to make many complicated concepts easily understood. It begins by clarifying the differences between viruses, bacteria and fungi. Then it goes into more detail about different kinds of illnesses they can cause. I love the danger meter that reveals how nasty each of them can be. 

And then, what have you lost? an anthology of poetry collected by Naomi Shihab Nye arrived from the library. I've been savoring it a bit at a time. This volume kept me company during the times it was my turn to keep watch over my mother in her hospital room. I've been carrying it around me ever since I picked it up. I will purchase my own copy since I expect to be going back to it for a while.. 

When my mother was first transferred to Palliative Care, my niece, (an avid reader who works in that ward) handed me a copy of Final Gifts: Understanding the Special Awareness, Needs, and Communications of the Dying by Maggie Callanan & Patricia Kelley. I couldn't handle the idea of reading an entire book right then, but I took it anyway and checked out Maggie Callanan's website. Reading the articles under the news tab, was like reading the coles notes of the book. The palliative ward also has a prepared brochure that reflected the information from the book. It all helped me be prepared for what was coming. 

One day, while I kept my vigil, the only thing in my bag was this book, and so I started it. It is a fabulous gift. There is some biological information about what happens as people die, but it was the stories of the individual deaths that held my focus. Some of what this book taught me is that we are alive and capable of learning until we die. With this in mind, I read many of these narratives out loud to my mother. After all, I thought, it's her first time dying, and I'm sure that seeing how others have managed it will help her. When she had enough she told me, "I need to sleep now." 

Next, the audiobook CD, The Shepherd's Crown, Terry Pratchett's final novel, and the last Tiffany Aching tale, was ready for pickup from the library. As soon as I loaded it into itunes and onto my phone, I started listening to it. For me, this was the perfect novel at this time in my life. Right from the get go, when Death comes for Granny Weatherwax, I knew I would find comfort in this book.

"Thank you," said Granny, "I did my best."

MORE THAN YOUR BEST, said Death. AND I LOOK FORWARD TO WATCHING YOUR CHOSEN SUCCESSOR. WE HAVE MET BEFORE.

‘She’s a good witch, to be sure,’ said the shade of Granny Weatherwax. ‘I have no doubts whatsoever.’

YOU ARE TAKING THIS VERY WELL, ESME WEATHERWAX.

It's an inconvenience true enough, and I don't like it at all, but I know that you do it for everyone Mr Death. Is there any other way?

NO, THERE ISN’T, I’M AFRAID. WE ARE ALL FLOATING IN THE WINDS OF TIME. BUT YOUR CANDLE, MISTRESS WEATHERWAX, WILL FLICKER FOR SOME TIME BEFORE IT GOES OUT – A LITTLE REWARD FOR A LIFE WELL LIVED. FOR I CAN SEE THE BALANCE AND YOU HAVE LEFT THE WORLD MUCH BETTER THAN YOU FOUND IT, AND IF YOU ASK ME, said Death, NOBODY COULD DO ANY BETTER THAN THAT .

While there are parts in this novel that would have been more fully developed had Sir Terry lived a bit longer, The Shepherd's Crown is still a very satisfying read. Pratchett's world is loaded full of humour, satire and humanity. His witches are community health nurses who have the capacity to use magic, but use it sparingly because it's dangerous and difficult to control.

This is a book that deals with death, grief, making amends and continuing on. It begins with the death of the ancient Granny Weatherwax. Then the young witch, Tiffany Aching, is called upon to take over her stead.

I listened to it as I traveled back and forth to the hospital where my mother lay dying. Regularly, I was forced to pull over to the side of the road to write quotes down.

Eventually, I found myself able to continue with my regular reading and completed a few more books. I finished these next two while doing an overnight vigil with Mom. 

When I was the Greatest by Jason Reynolds. 

The truth is that I love Jason Reynold's young men. They are an authentic combination of sweetness and bravado. His families, however damaged, abound with love and caring. This is a story about survival, acceptance, and growth and change. Then there is the beauty in his writing. I admit that I wondered about the cover, but as soon as I got into the book it all made sense. 

Reynolds' stories are the kind that usually, once I start them, can't put down. So I'm not sure if I stalled with this book because I came to the part where the boys are about to go to the party and I anticipated that disaster would strike, or if it was just that my real life got in the way getting to know and care about fictional characters, but for whatever reason, it wasn't until I was well into listening to The Shepherd's Crown, that I was able to return to this novel. Am I ever thankful I could. 

All American Boys by Jason Reynolds & Brendan Kiely

The first chapter gave me trouble because I couldn't handle the violence. Having recently finished Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coats, I really wasn't surprised by what happened, but it was still hard to read.

I liked that Rasheed's story, while unique, was also representative of all these other young black people lost because of a racist system. I appreciated that Quinn was able to listen to other young black men and his own conscience. 

This would be an interesting book to pair with Bifocal by Deborah Ellis & Eric Walters. Here is an excerpt from it's goodreads summary.

"A student arrested on suspicions of terrorism. A high school torn apart by racism. Two boys from two different sets of circumstances forced to choose sides. 
These are the issues at the heart of "Bifocal," a groundbreaking new novel for young-adults. 

The story is told from two different points of view. Haroon is a serious student devoted to his family. His grandparents emigrated from Afghanistan. Jay is a football star devoted to his team. He is white. "

 

CURRENTLY

I'm a third of the way into The Wolf Wilder by Katherine Rundell.
 

UP NEXT

My Life on the Road by Gloria Steinem and Mr Lemoncello's Library Olympics are both on my ipod ready to listen to, but I haven't decided which one to start with. I've just picked up some books on coding for kids and Solving the Puzzle Under the Sea by Robert Burleigh, so hopefully I'll get to those this week. 

Must Read In 2016 Spring Update

One, of many reasons why I appreciate Carrie Gelson at There's a Book for That, is that she encouraged me to join a group of bloggers who winnow their Goodreads' to read list down to a mostly manageable number of books to commit to reading each year.  

This year I changed things up by picking books I wanted to read, not just that I thought I should read. So far this has been a good strategy. I committed to reading 36 specific books in 2016. I've already finished fifteen. While I have loved some of them more than others, they were all worth the energy I put into making sure I read them. 

Here (in no particular order) are my favorites so far. Each one of these garnered five stars. I've made links to a review if I finished one.

Jellicoe Road by Melina Marchetta was on my list last year. I carried it over for this year. It is a stunning read. 

  

Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates forced me to see the world through a different lens. It made the difference between thinking I knew what it meant to be black in America, and understanding it at a much more visceral level. I am certain that I read All American Boys by Jason Reynolds with more sensitivity and empathy because of having read Coates' work first. 

There are few things finer than a well written middle grade novel. Death by Toilet Paper by Donna Gephart,the story of a young boy trying to cope after the death of his father, is the epitome of this reality. 

I love the Penderwicks family. Somehow I had overlooked the third in the series, The Penderwicks at Point Mouette by Jeanne Birdsall. This is another heartwarming, enduring story about people I wish were real.

Pax by Sarah Pennypacker is a beautifully crafted and deeply philosophical story. I regularly stopped reading to write down quotes. I'm sure it will become a classic.

I lied about not putting these books in any particular order. 

I saved the best for last.

Each new book in Sheila Turnage's Tupelo Landing series makes me giddy with joy. Her words are imbued with a perfect marriage of joy and truth: a feat rarely achieved by other middle grade authors (and maybe even authors in general). The worst thing about finishing The Odds of Getting Even, is that I now have to wait for the next one in the series to be published. I might just go and start them all over again.

How is your list coming along?