Slice Of Life: Counting Down

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22 school days
    till the year is over
22 school days
    till my gig as teacher librarian is done
22 school days
    till my career as an educator is finished
22 working days
    till I retire

And I still haven’t figured out what I want to be when I grow up.

People ask me what my plans are.
I'm not sure what to say.

Previously my plan was to help my mother die with dignity and grace, but then she decided she didn’t want to wait that long.

Now there is emptiness in my future that I can’t quite figure out how to fill. And my everyday life is already pocketed with holes.

Busyness helps.
Finishing up projects with students
Finding time to teach one last unit
Getting the library under control to pass it on
Blogging
If all else fails, there's housework.

I can almost pretend that the emptiness isn't there.

Almost.

It’s only in meetings when I have to slow down and listen that I realize how weary and unfocused I really am. Well, that, and I'm having trouble reading too.

Grief is much heavier and harder than I remember it to be.

And now I'm getting ready to say goodbye again.

Goodbyes are always difficult for me. These days, shadows of all the bits and pieces I'm leaving exacerbate the underlying vacancy.

It’s been a year of last times.
Earlier on relief and joy predominated since they were mostly connected to the tedium and irritation of those kinds of 'here we go again' meetings. I am happy to say goodbye to those.

But now I'm getting to the end of the good stuff.
Celebrations: book clubs, volunteer ice cream treats, completion and sharing of student work.

Work I love: ordering and unpacking boxes of new books, conversations with students of all ages about what they are reading, overseeing readers as they move from simple texts into chapter books and become hard core novel and information readers, and all those aha moments as students begin to understand and figure out keywords.

It's starting to sink in.
I'm really leaving.
It'll be hard, but I know I'm ready.
I'll get through this.

I'm looking forward.

To just be.

22 more days.

I'll probably not bother growing up.

10 comments:

  1. Oh Cheriee - you got me with this. Its honesty is perfect. You are one wowza librarian and book crazy lady and I mean that as the highest compliment. I wouldn't bother with the growing up thing. And please wander to where I end up to share some book love . . .

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    1. I hope you end up within walking distance of my place. Otherwise we will have to make book love dates! Book club anyone?

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  2. Don't grow up ... stay curious ...
    Kevin

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  3. This pulls at the heartstrings! It must be such a bittersweet time for you. I loved how your ending wrapped back to your beginning and added some humor, "I'll probably not bother growing up." I think that's a good choice!

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    1. So do I, but it is still a little bit scary.

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  4. Oh Cheriee, One never knows what the future holds for them but I would put my money on you that you will fill the next phase with varied interests and a renewed energy.

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    1. That is a little bit what I am afraid of! I hope to take some time doing nothing and reflecting as I rejuvenate and get ready for whatever comes next!

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  5. I am wishing you a ton of luck and well wishes as you embark on this new future!

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